"I haven't seen you attached to anything, You dont seem to love anything as much as you love that needle in your arm.."
...and isn't that the truth.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Im lonely too
I dont know how to be this sad... and yet I am, I think thats why its been so hard.
I often envy Megans ability to go home alone, unaccompanied. She hates it, as well as I do, but she does it. To tell you the truth, the company doesn't help that much. Truth, truth- It really doesn't help at all.
Megan sits alone, and cries at night longing for company, while at the same time I sit beside a man I cannot stand and do not listen to. And while shes consuming too much DMX and alcohol for her body to handle, simply to ease her mind and tolerate her own loneliness, I am consuming mass quantities of Xanax and alcohol so that I can bring my self to fuck and then later justify using and fucking this stranger. I loath the company and much as she does her loneliness.
I think when you feel that emptiness... When you feel that inner aching, its like your being swallowed whole so slowly that you, yourself dont even realize it until your devoured and its to late to speak out, and when you feel that isolated and alone, no amount of people will fill that void or ease your suffering. So your forced to just suffer... miserably. Because you're your own savoir, but you cant save yourself.
She says she just wants to be held. You see I never understood what she meant, I of course try and always be very empathetic and compassionate but it never really clicked. I never liked to be held, in fact I hate to be touched. It makes me uncomfortable. I have serious space issues. It makes me feel grotesque and awkward to even hug someone I love. I tried to cuddle with Justin last week, I cant even explain the feeling, but to sum up the story with in 5 minutes I had gotten out of bed and was sleeping in the other room. I have never been able to do emotional/physical intimacy, thats where me and Megan differ I suppose. Thats where me and most of the human race differ.
But last night, When I got home from the clinic, I couldn't stop crying, Donald yelled about the house being messy, I didn't want to talk to anyone, no one was going to say anything I hadn't already heard or thought and I was embarrassed of being that emotionally vulnerable. I was sobbing uncontrollably while I did the dishes until I finally asked Donald if I could speak with him in the other room and the second he closed the door, I latched on to him. I hugged him so hard, crying so hard and I didnt want to be let go. The remembrance of this emotional collapse makes me shake just thinking about it. Does-Not-Compute.
"Here lets cuddle" he said and laid on the bed, I cried on him for a short amount of time until I, again, began to feel VERY uncomfortable with what I had done, we cracked a couple jokes and I left the room swiftly.
That night I woke up in the middle of the night next to Justin. I could not physically bring myself to get close to him, and so, I turned my back to him. I felt my body ache for physical attention. I know it sounds insane! But my body was physically aching where I knew his arms would be. Maybe this is how Megan feels.. If i could just ask, If I could just roll over an touch him, If I could juusst 'Id rather slit my wrists' I thought and grabbed Mogu.
This is why Men cheat on me, this is why I don't have all that many friends, why my relationships do not last and this is why I cannot believe in a hallmark love.
beacuse 2 inches is to close for me...
and 2 feet is to far for them.
I often envy Megans ability to go home alone, unaccompanied. She hates it, as well as I do, but she does it. To tell you the truth, the company doesn't help that much. Truth, truth- It really doesn't help at all.
Megan sits alone, and cries at night longing for company, while at the same time I sit beside a man I cannot stand and do not listen to. And while shes consuming too much DMX and alcohol for her body to handle, simply to ease her mind and tolerate her own loneliness, I am consuming mass quantities of Xanax and alcohol so that I can bring my self to fuck and then later justify using and fucking this stranger. I loath the company and much as she does her loneliness.
I think when you feel that emptiness... When you feel that inner aching, its like your being swallowed whole so slowly that you, yourself dont even realize it until your devoured and its to late to speak out, and when you feel that isolated and alone, no amount of people will fill that void or ease your suffering. So your forced to just suffer... miserably. Because you're your own savoir, but you cant save yourself.
She says she just wants to be held. You see I never understood what she meant, I of course try and always be very empathetic and compassionate but it never really clicked. I never liked to be held, in fact I hate to be touched. It makes me uncomfortable. I have serious space issues. It makes me feel grotesque and awkward to even hug someone I love. I tried to cuddle with Justin last week, I cant even explain the feeling, but to sum up the story with in 5 minutes I had gotten out of bed and was sleeping in the other room. I have never been able to do emotional/physical intimacy, thats where me and Megan differ I suppose. Thats where me and most of the human race differ.
But last night, When I got home from the clinic, I couldn't stop crying, Donald yelled about the house being messy, I didn't want to talk to anyone, no one was going to say anything I hadn't already heard or thought and I was embarrassed of being that emotionally vulnerable. I was sobbing uncontrollably while I did the dishes until I finally asked Donald if I could speak with him in the other room and the second he closed the door, I latched on to him. I hugged him so hard, crying so hard and I didnt want to be let go. The remembrance of this emotional collapse makes me shake just thinking about it. Does-Not-Compute.
"Here lets cuddle" he said and laid on the bed, I cried on him for a short amount of time until I, again, began to feel VERY uncomfortable with what I had done, we cracked a couple jokes and I left the room swiftly.
That night I woke up in the middle of the night next to Justin. I could not physically bring myself to get close to him, and so, I turned my back to him. I felt my body ache for physical attention. I know it sounds insane! But my body was physically aching where I knew his arms would be. Maybe this is how Megan feels.. If i could just ask, If I could just roll over an touch him, If I could juusst 'Id rather slit my wrists' I thought and grabbed Mogu.
This is why Men cheat on me, this is why I don't have all that many friends, why my relationships do not last and this is why I cannot believe in a hallmark love.
beacuse 2 inches is to close for me...
and 2 feet is to far for them.
Friday, January 13, 2012
Does an abortion make you un-pregnant.. or does it make a mother of adead child?
I wish I could see your face. I wish I could just,
see your face.
I wish I could have the opportunity to teach you everything I know and shape you into an amazing person. And even in this harsh and evil world, I know youd be one of the kind, one of the compassionate, one of the strong, among the millions of weak and cold. My love already flows abundantly for you. I have already connected with you, and you are already so very beautiful. You already grow inside me. You are already a part of me. You are already my child.
I wish I could tell you I love you before you go. I wish you could understand the way my heart aches. I know how selfish and cruel it seems, to calculatedly execute your murder, but in my mind, it is the most selfless thing I can do. I wish you could understand this is not what I want. I wish you knew how badly I crave you in my arms, wish to some day here your voice, see you smile, hear you
laugh.
But I want better for you. I want better for the both of us, I want the best, and the life I live and am capable of providing at this point, is simply, so beyond.. unfitting. It seems like a cop out a easy way out and harsh decision. It seems like an excuse and it seems irresponsible... and it is. But please understand.. It weighs so incredibly heavy on my soul that it is almost unbearable. I feel as though I can hear you in my mind, begginng, crying, screaming,
please dont do this.
If you were Joeys, Maybe youd have his eye lashes. Beautiful and long. Maybe youd be a tall fit young man or a thin dark haired girl. Maybe you too, would have a birthmark. He would teach you to skate, he would teach you to snowboard and dirt bike, he would run around with you all day. Maybe you'd be reckless and scare me to death and have broken a bone every time your father took you out. Be on first name bases with the principal of every school you went to , but you would be a hard worker. You sneak in and out of your room, sneak ppl in and out of your room, break hearts, but you would be kind. Your mommy and daddy would fight, we would fight a lot, mostly about you. We would get those unfortunate collect calls from the county jail, but I would know you, and I would not scorn you, I would understand.
If you were Sean's, You would be quite. You would be so smart. You would be SOO smart. You would have a heavy soul from the day you were born, but you would be loved. Your father would play with you all day long, you'd be his best friend. He'd turn you into a complete video game fanatic, Id probably yell at the both of you, and put you both on xbox restriction daily. You would be the kind of person that stood up for what you believed in, you would take the time figuring out exactly what that was. You would be honorable. Nobody would get picked on in your presence.Wed make up a new story of how we met, so we could shelter you from our heroin addictions and how we met in a clinic. We'd pray you didn't share our addictive personalities, but we would be wrong, and even though you would try.. and even though you would have an enormous capacity for love and knowledge, You would fall where we fell, and it would break my heart every time I dropped you off at a clinic or in-house facility. Not a day would go by, where you couldn't feel our love.
lastly if you were Justin, you would have beautiful light eyes, and blonde hair. You would be so giving and so selfless.You would just by nature be so nurturing and understanding. Maybe you would have his laugh, it makes me smile to think about. Your grandfather would teach you to surf and your uncle Donald would be my best friend, and your god father, you would learn enough sarcasm for a life time from him. Your father would take care of you in every sense. He would probably stay up all night with you if you were sick, making your you had a cool cloth on your chest, like he does with his other children.And he would prepare all your meals, without hesitation, every day till you were old enough to do it yourself, and then he would still do it for you, and your friends. He probably wouldn't be able to help you with your homework, but I would, and your uncle would. Nothing would bother you too deeply, youd let it roll off your shoulders and not feel the weight of personal attack as i do. But when it did, you would boil over and you would fight. Oh you would fight and fight and look for trouble everywhere you went, Im sure your father would encourage it and if you were a boy he would tell you it was manly, bc hes the same way. He would bully you in to not being weak, and i would secretly hold you and tell you, real men cry too, including your father. and if you were our little girl, well, I hope you never planned on dating because I myself would have to sneak you out of the house.
But no matter who you are, or were going to be, and no matter who your father, is or was, I love you and I had so many plans to make you happy. I sit here and cry just to imagine you graduating high school, or getting your heart broken for the first time, or telling me im the worst mother ever, bc thats what youd do, and Im dying inside knowing those day will not come for you.
Can you feel my heart breaking. Do you yet have a soul. Will you love me in spite of this, will you forgive me. I will never forget you, sounds silly to say bc I know thats obvious. And even though it will never be easy to remember you, I always will. And as insincire as it may sound,
I am sorry,
With all the love I possess, for the rest of my days,
Your mother
Monday, January 2, 2012
No restart button.
You see, I'm running backwards, while trying putting one foot in front of the other.
Im remembering you.. all of you, while in training to repress.
Im trying to push start and begin fresh, though I can stop tracing my wounds, they arent yet healed.
"we miss the old Danielle"
I can never be that girl again. Ive gone to far, come to far in the wrong direction. Went to a place I could never, will never, come back from. I left a piece of me there. Yes. I am different. I am sorry. I cannot go back and forward at the same time. She is lost. So grieve her. I morn her daily, but I am learning to accept the little that i did gain in tornado I created, and can only hope and continue to try and restore the destruction and rebuild the lives Ive ruined, just one piece at a time. I am only human.
You see, I am one of two, therefore you will never really understand, my words will conflict with the morals you thought i had and i will deviate from the plans and promises you thought were solid.
I am happier than Ive ever been and i cant figure out the reason. Im sure it has nothing to do with you.
I am more depressed and lonely than Ive ever been, and I am sure it has everything in the world to do with you, and the monster you made me into. I had no self control then, and as I sit here with the same lack of control over my actions and thoughts, I betray myself. And as I hold my pounding head in my cold and scarred hands tears fall on to my key board, I miss her.
Danielle, when will I see you again, When will I feel like you again. Vanished. No grave to to visit. No longer of this earth. Just a ghost inside me, haunting my soul and mind. I have pictures of her and words she once wrote, they remind me you were real once, though you are not anymore.
Im remembering you.. all of you, while in training to repress.
Im trying to push start and begin fresh, though I can stop tracing my wounds, they arent yet healed.
"we miss the old Danielle"
I can never be that girl again. Ive gone to far, come to far in the wrong direction. Went to a place I could never, will never, come back from. I left a piece of me there. Yes. I am different. I am sorry. I cannot go back and forward at the same time. She is lost. So grieve her. I morn her daily, but I am learning to accept the little that i did gain in tornado I created, and can only hope and continue to try and restore the destruction and rebuild the lives Ive ruined, just one piece at a time. I am only human.
You see, I am one of two, therefore you will never really understand, my words will conflict with the morals you thought i had and i will deviate from the plans and promises you thought were solid.
I am happier than Ive ever been and i cant figure out the reason. Im sure it has nothing to do with you.
I am more depressed and lonely than Ive ever been, and I am sure it has everything in the world to do with you, and the monster you made me into. I had no self control then, and as I sit here with the same lack of control over my actions and thoughts, I betray myself. And as I hold my pounding head in my cold and scarred hands tears fall on to my key board, I miss her.
Danielle, when will I see you again, When will I feel like you again. Vanished. No grave to to visit. No longer of this earth. Just a ghost inside me, haunting my soul and mind. I have pictures of her and words she once wrote, they remind me you were real once, though you are not anymore.
simply my thoughts
Nothing is working this morning. I am, I am simply sad.
I find my self crying at my desk and craving love and dreaming of needles. Wanting things, wanting things i simply do not need. Things that simply, will do me no good.
While driving home from LA this morning I found my self wanting. Wanting wanting wanting. Wanting things far from my reach.
feeling quite like a child with her hand stretched out, being filled with emptiness.
I want money, I want freedom, I want knowledge, I want to be thin, I want to travel, I want to be in love. I want to be loved. i want love to be real. All of these things possible, but all of these things temporarily out of my grasp.
My head is pounding.
I want to come alive, and the only thing I feel is my life leaving me.
My old life. My old friends. My old lovers. My old bruised arms. My old pharmacy and my old dealers. I used to be absent of care. Absent of pain. Absent of all feeling. Sleeping in my car with my USB cord wrapped so tightly around my arm it'd awake me from my coma. I miss that life. I miss the lack of responsibility and the lack of pressure.
This new life Ive attempted to create is filled with pressure, demands, responsibilities and I find it hard to stay in the moment and not let my mind stray to the past.
jsut felt like writing i suppose.
I find my self crying at my desk and craving love and dreaming of needles. Wanting things, wanting things i simply do not need. Things that simply, will do me no good.
While driving home from LA this morning I found my self wanting. Wanting wanting wanting. Wanting things far from my reach.
feeling quite like a child with her hand stretched out, being filled with emptiness.
I want money, I want freedom, I want knowledge, I want to be thin, I want to travel, I want to be in love. I want to be loved. i want love to be real. All of these things possible, but all of these things temporarily out of my grasp.
My head is pounding.
I want to come alive, and the only thing I feel is my life leaving me.
My old life. My old friends. My old lovers. My old bruised arms. My old pharmacy and my old dealers. I used to be absent of care. Absent of pain. Absent of all feeling. Sleeping in my car with my USB cord wrapped so tightly around my arm it'd awake me from my coma. I miss that life. I miss the lack of responsibility and the lack of pressure.
This new life Ive attempted to create is filled with pressure, demands, responsibilities and I find it hard to stay in the moment and not let my mind stray to the past.
jsut felt like writing i suppose.
Thursday, December 29, 2011
sex is my drug
I crave your body on mine
crave you inside
so push me against the wall
push my hair aside
lift up my skirt
the next is the best part
pull down my panties
pull my thighs apart
kiss on my neck,
pull on my hips,
show me what you can do
using just your lips
let me know your gonna take me,
Show me you need it almost as much as i do,
need it all and need it all at once.
tell me lies, i want none of it true
bend me over the dresser,
bend me over the bed.
bend me over anything
and fuck me till im dead
pull my hair,
hold my wrists tight,
make sure i don't struggle
while you handle me all night
push in to me hard
bc i need it and you can.
while you bite and suck my body
and show me your a man
touch me with your hungry hands.
Touch me everywhere.
do whatever you want to me
fuck me till I tear
as long as you kiss me
and force on your passion
till im screaming your name
till im moaning and gasping
Feeding my destruction,
helping me forget
im alive for a while
while your hands make me wet
Take my control.
I wont give it away willingly.
Take my power away
Fuck me like you own me.
Fuck me like Im yours.
Fuck me with no regrets
Im all yours
For the next 15 minutes.
Until I find someone else.
Someone better. Some one stronger.
Some one who can dominate me
Someone who can force my surrender.
dont look in my eyes
Just look the other way
while you grind on my body
my body on display
Make me feel wanted
make me feel used
make me feel something
make my thighs bruised.
Ill love you till i cum
Ill love you long enough
until you find out what i just did
until you call my bluff.
I used your lust
used you to use me
how does it feel
to be my nobody.
Friday, December 16, 2011
Today..
These shaking hands, can get nothing done
and id love to go home, but i know i dont got one
my racing heart, no longer beats for you
I dont want to win, no i just want to get through
My head pounds and my heart breaks
and i cry rivers that turn in to lakes
I fall in a hole that has no end
and i sit on my bed n try not to spin
I sit at my desk and I try not to cry
my destruction's complete, Im just waiting to die
I dont want any part of this, no part at all
I cant find the words so i ignore your call
I cant find the humor no i dont thing its funny
I cant break a smile, I dont think I love me
I think of your face megan, and oh there it is
the courage i needed to get up and live.
As long as your out there, i think i might belong
yeah, as long as we have each other, we're never really alone.
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