Does an abortion make you un-pregnant.. or does it make a mother of adead child?

I have so many names picked out for you, that ive been collecting over the years, It breaks my heart you will never claim one of them as your own.
I wish I could see your face. I wish I could just,
see your face.
 I wish I could have the opportunity to teach you everything I know and shape you into an amazing person. And even in this harsh and evil world, I know youd be one of the kind, one of the compassionate, one of the strong, among the millions of weak and cold. My love already flows abundantly for you. I have already connected with you, and you are already so very beautiful. You already grow inside me. You are already a part of me. You are already my child.
  I wish I could tell you I love you before you go. I wish you could understand the way my heart aches. I know how selfish and cruel it seems, to calculatedly execute your murder, but in my mind, it is the most selfless thing I can do.  I wish you could understand this is not what I want. I wish you knew how badly I crave you in my arms, wish to some day here your voice, see you smile, hear you
laugh.
 But I want better for you. I want better for the both of us, I want the best, and the life I live and am capable of providing at this point, is simply, so beyond.. unfitting. It seems like a cop out a easy way out and harsh decision. It seems like an excuse and it seems irresponsible... and it is. But please understand.. It weighs so incredibly heavy on my soul that it is almost unbearable. I feel as though I can hear you in my mind, begginng, crying, screaming,
please dont do this.

 If you were Joeys, Maybe youd have his eye lashes. Beautiful and long. Maybe youd be a tall fit young man or a thin dark haired girl. Maybe you too, would have a birthmark. He would teach you to skate, he would teach you to snowboard and dirt bike, he would run around with you all day. Maybe you'd be reckless and scare me to death and have broken a bone every time your father took you out. Be on first name bases with the principal of every school you went to , but you would be a hard worker. You sneak in and out of your room, sneak ppl in and out of your room, break hearts, but you would be kind. Your mommy and daddy would fight, we would fight a lot, mostly about you. We would get those unfortunate collect calls from the county jail, but I would know you, and I would not scorn you, I would understand.
 
 If you were Sean's, You would be quite. You would be so smart. You would be SOO smart. You would have a heavy soul from the day you were born, but you would be loved. Your father would play with you all day long, you'd be his best friend. He'd turn you into a complete video game fanatic, Id probably yell at the both of you, and put you both on xbox restriction daily. You would be the kind of person that stood up for what you believed in, you would take the time figuring out exactly what that was. You would be honorable. Nobody would get picked on in your presence.Wed make up a new story of how we met, so we could shelter you from our heroin addictions and how we met in a clinic. We'd pray you didn't share our addictive personalities, but we would be wrong, and even though you would try.. and even though you would have an enormous capacity for love and knowledge, You would fall where we fell, and it would break my heart every time I dropped you off at a clinic or in-house facility. Not a day would go by, where you couldn't feel our love.

 lastly if you were Justin, you would have beautiful light eyes, and blonde hair. You would be so giving and so selfless.You would just by nature be so nurturing and understanding. Maybe you would have his laugh, it makes me smile to think about. Your grandfather would teach you to surf and your uncle Donald would be my best friend, and your god father, you would learn enough sarcasm for a life time from him. Your father would take care of you in every sense. He would probably stay up all night with you if you were sick, making your you had a cool cloth on your chest, like he does with his other children.And he would prepare all your meals, without hesitation, every day till you were old enough to do it yourself, and then he would still do it for you, and your friends. He probably wouldn't be able to help you with your homework, but I would, and your uncle would. Nothing would bother you too deeply, youd let it roll off your shoulders and not feel the weight of personal attack as i do. But when it did, you would boil over and you would fight. Oh you would fight and fight and look for trouble everywhere you went, Im sure your father would encourage it and if you were a boy he would tell you it was manly, bc hes the same way. He would bully you in to not being weak, and i would secretly hold you and tell you, real men cry too, including your father. and if you were our little girl, well, I hope you never planned on dating because I myself would have to sneak you out of the house.

But no matter who you are, or were going to be, and no matter who your father, is or was, I love you and I had so many plans to make you happy. I sit here and cry just to imagine you graduating high school, or getting your heart broken for the first time, or telling me im the worst mother ever, bc thats what youd do, and Im dying inside knowing those day will not come for you.
 Can you feel my heart breaking. Do you yet have a soul. Will you love me in spite of this, will you forgive me. I will never forget you, sounds silly to say bc I know thats obvious. And even though it will never be easy to remember you, I always will. And as insincire as it may sound,
I am sorry,


With all the love I possess, for the rest of my days,
Your mother