Im lonely too

I dont know how to be this sad... and yet I am, I think thats why its been so hard.

  I often envy Megans ability to go home alone, unaccompanied. She hates it, as well as I do, but she does it. To tell you the truth, the company doesn't help that much. Truth, truth- It really doesn't help at all.
   Megan sits alone, and cries at night longing for company, while at the same time I sit beside a man I cannot stand and do not listen to. And while shes consuming too much DMX and alcohol for her body to handle, simply to ease her mind and tolerate her own loneliness, I am consuming mass quantities of Xanax and alcohol so that I can bring my self to fuck and then later justify using and fucking this stranger. I loath the company and much as she does her loneliness.
   I think when you feel that emptiness... When you feel that inner aching, its like your being swallowed whole so slowly that you, yourself dont even realize it until your devoured and its to late to speak out, and when you feel that isolated and alone, no amount of people will fill that void or ease your suffering. So your forced to just suffer... miserably. Because you're your own savoir, but you cant save yourself.
  She says she just wants to be held. You see I never understood what she meant, I of course try and always be very empathetic and compassionate but it never really clicked. I never liked to be held, in fact I hate to be touched. It makes me uncomfortable. I have serious space issues. It makes me feel grotesque and awkward to even hug someone I love. I tried to cuddle with Justin last week, I cant even explain the feeling, but to sum up the story with in 5 minutes I had gotten out of bed and was sleeping in the other room. I have never been able to do emotional/physical intimacy, thats where me and Megan differ I suppose. Thats where me and most of the human race differ.
  But last night, When I got home from the clinic, I couldn't stop crying, Donald yelled about the house being messy, I didn't want to talk to anyone, no one was going to say anything I hadn't already heard or thought and I was embarrassed of being that emotionally vulnerable. I was sobbing uncontrollably while I did the dishes until I finally asked Donald if I could speak with him in the other room and the second he closed the door, I latched on to him. I hugged him so hard, crying so hard and I didnt want to be let go. The remembrance of this emotional collapse makes me shake just thinking about it.   Does-Not-Compute.
   "Here lets cuddle" he said and laid on the bed, I cried on him for a short amount of time until I, again, began to feel VERY uncomfortable with what I had done, we cracked a couple jokes and I left the room swiftly.
   That night I woke up in the middle of the night next to Justin. I could not physically bring myself to get close to him, and so, I turned my back to him. I felt my body ache for physical attention. I know it sounds insane! But my body was physically aching where I knew his arms would be. Maybe this is how Megan feels.. If i could just ask, If I could just roll over an touch him, If I could juusst  'Id rather slit my wrists' I thought and grabbed Mogu.
  This is why Men cheat on me, this is why I don't have all that many friends, why my relationships do not last and this is why I cannot believe in a hallmark love.
  beacuse 2 inches is to close for me...
  and 2 feet is to far for them.