Nothing is working this morning. I am, I am simply sad.
I find my self crying at my desk and craving love and dreaming of needles. Wanting things, wanting things i simply do not need. Things that simply, will do me no good.
While driving home from LA this morning I found my self wanting. Wanting wanting wanting. Wanting things far from my reach.
feeling quite like a child with her hand stretched out, being filled with emptiness.
I want money, I want freedom, I want knowledge, I want to be thin, I want to travel, I want to be in love. I want to be loved. i want love to be real. All of these things possible, but all of these things temporarily out of my grasp.
My head is pounding.
I want to come alive, and the only thing I feel is my life leaving me.
My old life. My old friends. My old lovers. My old bruised arms. My old pharmacy and my old dealers. I used to be absent of care. Absent of pain. Absent of all feeling. Sleeping in my car with my USB cord wrapped so tightly around my arm it'd awake me from my coma. I miss that life. I miss the lack of responsibility and the lack of pressure.
This new life Ive attempted to create is filled with pressure, demands, responsibilities and I find it hard to stay in the moment and not let my mind stray to the past.
jsut felt like writing i suppose.
I think that's a very introspective assessment. The lack of responsibility in oblivion. It makes perfect sense to want to abandon. With a scorpio rising, you express through desiring, you only feel alive if you have something to desire, and you live through seeking in sagittarius. Seeking desiring, always in the wanting never in the having. Allow yourself to recieve, to have. To BE in the having. I love you Dano.
ReplyDelete