Too familiar

It's all too familiar. But this time a little different, each time a little deeper. As though overwhelmed by it all my structures concaved into a giant black hole and it's steadily, slowly... Sucking me in. drawing me in. The more tired I grow the more vicious I grow and I'm struggling with my footing.
I'm struggling to survive.
Alone, I am now free to make my own mistakes ,I find myself choosing the bad, enjoying the bad, feeding the chaos. In doing so I am dying. Starving myself of compassion.
As I lie by the fire, it dancing on it's wood, so beautiful, so elegant. It seems more alive than I've felt in ages. With my depression stretched far beyond the lines of endurance my world cries out for heroism.
My world receives no such thing.
I simply grow colder, harder... The light grows darker. She gets farther.
It is relentless.
The abuse has no bottom. No, nobody can relate. No one can understand. I myself cannot articulate how it is that I feel. I myself cannot understand... How it is Ive gotten here. How it is that I now stand where I do. How I've fallen here. I suffer silently,  privately.
Your all I have now.
Meaningless words on former blank sheets of paper.. Filling space with the little that I am.