I am thirteen.
Im sitting on the floor of rashelles bedroom, shes hanging of the bed, were laughing and singing to sublime, Recalling events from the previous week. Three beers in and feeling on top of the world, Her boyfriend Bobby walks in, I don't like him very much at all. 28 is too old to be dating a 7th grader in my opinion.
"Were going to go get some hard liquor. what you guys want?
"Anything but gin," I responded.
5 beers later he and 3 of his very tall friends walked in with two fifths of gin.
Screw Drivers.
Were dancing and the rooms spinning but I feel free, I catch her stare. Rashelles looking at me, I cant place her stare. Shes angry? She knows something I don't?
Smug.
before I get a chance to really even process the look, He has my hand and hes leading me in to the bathroom down the hall. Once in he locks the door and lifts me onto the dryer. Were kissing. Hes aggressive. Hes tongues almost down my throat and every time I turn my face, he follows. He licks my neck like some kind of animal and tries to pull up my shirt, I stop his hands. He goes for my jeans, I stop his hands. Anxiety building in my chest and disgusted with his slobbery kisses I do not want to do this anymore.
I black out.
He has no shirt on. I have no shirt on. Where the hell is my shirt. when did this happen. I can see his dark skinned back in the mirror but my visions blurry, what does that tattoo say? I push him away but I'm weaker than him and he shoves my hands down, The music gets louder, louder, louder and Now I cant even hear myself think. I cant hear the words coming out of my mouth, but my mouth is moving.
Stop!
His hands are all over me, all over my body all over my face and I hate it, I'm going to be sick, I make another attempt to get off the dryer and this time the forcefulness in which he slams me back makes my heart drop. I see everything clear for one moment. One slow moment. My face in the mirror, mouth open, breathing heavy,. terror.
The next moment I'm on the floor, I'm struggling, hes struggling back. Hes winning.
"Please! I'm still a virgin!" My panties in my right hand, I'm pulling them up and hes forcing them down, I'm pushing him off, hes pushing me down, My hands are not even moving him an inch, and he wins as his stikes me in the face and I slam into the ground and my head hits the tile floor and I loose grip on my panties. I'm screaming now. " DONT! DONT!" Its serious. I'm terrified. I'm crying. The tears refuse to stop pouring from eyes. I have thick mascara running in my eyes and it burns. I cant see. Hes shoving himself inside me. Its not fitting and hes not stopping, he looks like hes cursing but I can barely see him, barely hear him over the music.
He sits up. I inhale deeply finally able to take in air and almost having time to be relieved that he is stopping and then he spits on me and with no hesitation at all forces himself all the way inside me and the pain is so intense i see spots and gasp for air. He wont stop and I wont stop begging him too. He puts his forearm on my face in my mouth and I
Black out.
My heads banging against the tile and the bottom of the door, Nothing I try will stop it, I cant stop it, he has my hands pinned by his and I have
no.
control.
I look up at my assailant still ravaging on top of me, heavy and hurting. Its not Antonio anymore. Its his brother. Another second of clarity. Slow motion clarity as I can hear my self breathing hard in my head as I look up to see Antionio standing above us, naked, laughing, he throws his shirt over my face. I cant breathe. I throw up on my self, his brother is laughing in my ear, breathing heavy and hot, laughing in my ear. It doesn't hurt anymore but I'm still crying.
What is so funny.
I'm on my stomach now, face first in my vomit, coughing and crying, Antonios foot on my back and his brother inside me, holding my hands behind my back, with my blanketed head slamming in to the door. I feel nothing anymore except the bathroom rug folded underneath my stomach. Uncomfortable. I will never for the rest of my days forget that bath mat.
Powerless. Weak.
I wake up by the sink, I see the last of three tall men walk out of the bathroom and slam the door.
Smile now, cry later. That's what the ink on his back says.
I pull myself up after sometime and take a long look at my swollen red face covered in dried vomit and bloodied lips in the mirror. Make up all over my cheeks and forehead. I rinse my face repeatedly till every trace of tears and pain were gone. My hands shook as I tried my face and pulled up my blood spotted underwear. My lips tremble at the thought of them being pulled off. I walk out of the bathroom buttoning my shorts.
"You little slut," she says
I force a smile, I even chuckle. I cant feel my body and more, I feel like I'm floating as I walk into rashelles room. Shes laying on the bed, Bobbys got his fingers inside of her and shes loving it. How could she be loving it? I sink to the couch and I bury my face and cry floods of tears into a couch pillow. Nobody says a thing.
I'm in the kitchen, eating a chicken sandwich. karen, rashelles mom hands me a glass of wine. Shes clearly hammered, shes always hammered. shes eating the chicken with her fingers out of the bowl. I drink my wine, I pour another glass spilling it everywhere and then I attempt the stairs, stumbling, I fall almost completely down them twice and then reach the bathroom.
I hunch over the sink, throwing up every last detail of the night, then lower my self to the ground, on to my knees with support of the sink, holding on for balance. I hear the door, I look into the mirror, a tall man walks in. He puts his hand gun on the counter and pulls down his pants. Ive trapped myself. Tears begin to fall from my face again and my throat tightens and my chest constricts. He grabs my head and forces himself in my mouth. He uses my head like a bobble toy. I feel like someones taking a hammer to my throat and I choke and cough I cant breath and it hurts and my hands aren't strong enough to force his hips off my face. Slamming into my tightened throat bruising and gagging me. Another man walks in. He grabs the gun off the counter. I have no strength to resist anymore. Hes going to kill me. Its finally over.
He pulls off my pants and he forces the cold steel inside me i cant move. Trapped between these two full grown men, completely at their mercy.. and they were far from merciful. I close my eyes. Its hard to describe the events that followed except that I felt like the epitome of violation. Debasement. Being treated like an animal, abused for pleasure. Being tortured for something I had done wrong, I must have done something terribly wrong. I realized that no one was going to help me and It wasn't going to over soon. I could no longer formulate clear thoughts. I had lost track of all time and reality and was surrounded and enveloped with the ideas of it just ending, it being over, surviving it or dying in it, just not feeling it anymore.
Then I was laying on my back, looking up through my teary eyes at a half naked man as he wipes his gun on my face, puts it in my mouth, hitting it against my teeth and then rubbing it all over my face again. I closed my eyes tightly expecting something much worse, nothing followed, he left. His taller friend then finishes jacking off and cums all over my neck and chin and laughs, he looks at me like I am the most pathetic thing he has ever seen. I roll over on to the bathroom rug. The softness of it on my face comforts me.
I wake up with a splitting head ache. Karren is yelling and pointing some non sense at me to clean up my vomit mess. I throw my hand over my face.
"Please." I grown and begin to sob into that familiar rug on the bathroom floor. She leaves without another word. I cant stand, the muscles in my legs feel destroyed. I crawl into the bath tub and run the hot water over my feet and let the tub fill up over my clothed body. I feel the back of my head, my hair is matted with blood and stings at the touch. familiar hot tears soak my face, and I sink under the water.
smile now,
cry later.
